Great Expectations

Timothy Willis Sanders

In 1998, I took Jessica Hamlin to see the Alfonso Cuarón film Great Expectations. I didn’t know who Alfonso Cuarón was, or that he directed the movie, or that the movie was based on the Charles Dickens novel. I only knew it starred Ethan Hawke and my celebrity crush Gwyneth Paltrow. I was 17 years old and had just lost 80 pounds on methamphetamines and Mountain Dew. Jessica was a year younger than me. She was tall and blonde, like Gwyneth Paltrow with a less severe face. We met in line for the Gravitron at the state fair. I was with my friend Chad and she was with a friend whose name I can’t remember. I explained to Jessica how I could flip myself upside down in the Gravitron,“The trick is to move one limb at a time until you are completely upside down. If you try to throw your whole body into the move, you’re fucked.” I was on speed and frantically miming each movement. She listened with a smile, occasionally glancing at Chad, who I noticed was staring at Jessica instead of talking to her friend. Just before I stepped into the Gravitron, the carnie running the ride grabbed me. “You better stay still in there. We’ve had kids get their heads chopped off when they try to flip upside down.” • Gwenyth Paltrow was my celebrity crush because she looked like the rich white woman my mother was friends with when I was little. The woman’s name was Giselle, and when my father went off to the Gulf War, my mother sent me to live with Giselle in her cabin on Lake Michigan for the summer. I spent the whole summer in Giselle’s pool. Some days Giselle would hang out with me in the pool and talk to me about her ex-husband, about her college-age daughters abroad in France, about how little Black boys like me aren’t given a break, about how I needed to be kinder to my mom because she’s been through a lot. Afterward she'd order pizza and we’d watch the movie Aliens. When I became older I found myself attracted to any woman who remotely resembled her, like Gwenyth Paltrow and Jessica Hamlin. • I stood next to Jessica as the Gravitron began to spin. The centrifugal force pressed our bodies against the walls. I didn’t want my head chopped off but thought “If I don’t move upside down, she’ll think I’m full of shit.” I began the motion with my legs. I moved one leg over an inch, then the other. I noticed the carnie was in a bejeweled plexiglass booth in the center of the Gravitron. I noticed he was shaking his head at me. I stayed still, thinking I blew it with Jessica. The spinning stopped. I walked out with Chad and waited for Jessica. She walked out giggling and fixing her hair. I decided to ask her out, despite being unable to flip myself upside down. “Hey, that was fun, huh?” I said. “Oh, hey, it’s upside down boy.” Chad laughed. I laughed nervously, too high to be deterred. “Can I get your number and take you out sometime?” She smiled. “Where are you going to take me?” I looked at her and thought of Gwenyth Paltrow. “We can go see that movie Great Expectations.” “What’s that?” “I don’t know. A movie. Ethan Hawke, the guy from Gattaca is in it. It looks cool. But I don’t know what happens.” I saw Chad put his face in his hands. Jessica looked annoyed at Chad. “Ok. You can take me out,” she said. I wrote her number down on my arm and told her I would call her soon. Chad and I walked toward the concession stand to celebrate with funnel cake. “Yo, that movie is trash.” “Nah, it’s got Gwenyth in it. Can’t be bad. Plus, girls like that kind of stuff. Romance movies.” • I bought us a large popcorn. I opened the door for her. I let her pick the seat and sat down after her. I offered her some popcorn and she said no. I felt confused and wanted to ask “What? You don’t like popcorn?” but the movie was starting. I shoveled popcorn in my mouth. Gwenyth looked amazing. Her hair was glowing and her body was lanky and sleek. I wanted to tell Jessica how beautiful Gwenyth looked but I didn’t want her to think I was a creep for having a crush on Gwenyth Paltrow. I watched Gwenyth remove her clothes and pose nude for Ethan Hawke. She drifted around Ethan Hawke’s room leaving a trail of cigarette smoke. I was shoving popcorn in my mouth when I saw a kernel fall from my hand to the floor. I realized there were several kernels on my shirt. I wiped them off and heard them tapping the floor. I heard Jessica giggle and I wanted to die. I tried to play it off and focus on the movie. Ethan Hawke followed Gwyneth Paltrow outside, into the rain. She turned around suddenly and they kissed in the rain. I felt a tear run down my cheek and wiped it away with my popcorn hand, smearing butter on my face. The lights came on. I got up and walked out into the lobby before Jessica could see my red eyes and buttered face. I wiped my face several times with my arm. I took a deep breath. I thought to myself “What an amazing movie! Jessica must’ve loved it. So romantic and beautiful. The whole movie. Ethan. Gwenyth. Amazing.” I turned around to find Jessica. She walked past me and said, “That was so boring, I’m gonna go pee.” • I walked Jessica to her front door. I felt like my heart was crawling up my throat. I pictured us kissing like Ethan Hawke and Gwenyth Paltrow. Once at her door, she turned to me, said, “Ok, bye,” and disappeared inside. • Chad listened to me while I described my date with Jessica. I told him Jessica loved the movie and that we kissed like Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow afterward. “We’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend,” I said. Chad laughed. He told me she called him after we went to the movies. He said he picked her up, put on Eminem, and they fucked in the back of his mom’s PT Cruiser. Then he smacked me upside my head, and told me he’d see me in Biology class.

Timothy Willis Sanders is the author of the story collection Modern Massacres (Publishing Genius, 2022). He lives in San Francisco, California.